Stumble this Tweet This Facebook share
DIGG this reddit this Email this

Search my Quotes DataBase - Enter one or two keywords and/or an author last name.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain

Joy Program by Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Positive Thoughts | Life is Beautiful | Search | About
Topics: A- B- Ca- Co- D- E- F- G- H- I- J-K-L M- N-O Pa- Pr- Q-R Sa- Sk- T- U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Funny Quotes about Life

Let these Humorous Quotes give you a new outlook on life. Enjoy this profound mix of the inspirational and the funny.

Please sign-up on the form below to receive my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.

Funny Quotes about Life

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

Funny Quotes to Live By

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Funny Life Quotes

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers

A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
- Abraham Lincoln

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

Funny Quotes and Sayings

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde

A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love.
- Henri B. Stendhal

A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen

A witty saying proves nothing.
- Voltaire

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't
. -Erica Jong

After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- Take the Money and Run (1969)

All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but with somebody else.
- Mae West

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- Michael (1996)

And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than you do in person.
- Love and Death (1975)

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit; and at forty, the judgment.
- Benjamin Franklin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said.
- Mel Brooks

Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- Spaceballs (1987)

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schultz' Peanuts cartoon

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly ever does.
- Jane Austen

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
- Oscar Wilde

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
- Yasser Arafat

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.
- Duck Soup (1933)

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken

Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov

Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- Spy Hard (1996)

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- Zorba the Greek (1964)

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Do not speak to me of rules. This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)

Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful because you love me?
- Oscar Hammerstein II (Cinderella)

Don't expect me to get excited over another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

DON'T get officious. You're not yourself when you're officious - That is the curse of a government job.
- Harold and Maude (1971)

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Withnail & I (1987)

Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous

Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's merely waiting to be reupholstered.
- Casino Royale (1966)

Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack, is the capacity.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

Funny Quotes on Life

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (1971)

Everyone should have at least two friends - one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the occurrence of the improbable.
- H. L. Mencken

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks! It's going be a bumpy ride!
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too. My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- Anything Else (2003)

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous

Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- Tangled (2010)

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
- Anonymous

Friends are like bras:
close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous

Friends are the siblings God never gave us.
- Mencius

Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another,
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C. S. Lewis

Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler

Friendship is Love without his wings.
- Lord Byron

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Go ahead, make my day.
- Sudden Impact (1983)

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Good friends are like stars… you don't always see them, but you know they are always there.
- Anonymous

Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is the ideal life.
- Mark Twain

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- Shrek the Third (2007)

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

Funny Sayings about Life

Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous

Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Annie Hall (1977)

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
- Clue (1985)

I always like to know everything about my new friends, and nothing about my old ones.
- Oscar Wilde

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)

I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

I didn't make it all the way through third grade for nothing.
- The Rescuers Down Under (1990)

I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- Withnail & I (1987)

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in chocolate.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- Annie Hall (1977)

I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- Interiors (1978)

I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Duck Soup (1933)

I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- Love and Death (1975)

I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Casino Royale (1966)

I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know. The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- Annie Hall (1977)

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- Love and Death (1975)

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.
- Nicolas De Chamfort

I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

I love being married. It's great to find that one special person who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

I love my attitude problem.
- Anonymous

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I read that you should never go out with someone if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia. I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture, and kill them.
- Full Metal Jacket (1987)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life; I had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.
- Glee (2009 TV Series)

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final ... I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- Annie Hall (1977)

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- The Cabin in the Cotton (1932)

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a minute.
- What's New Pussycat (1965)

I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate. A woman in love wants diamonds.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)

I've always believed that if done properly, armed robbery doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- Thelma & Louise (1991)

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Anonymous

If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- Libeled Lady (1936)

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
- Love and Death (1975)

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
- Oscar Wilde

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz

INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Anonymous

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him your faults; greater to tell him his.
- Benjamin Franklin

It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus

It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- Shrek 2 (2004)

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard

It's cookies, he smells like cookies, and the smell gets stronger when he's in heat.
- Michael (1996)

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- Manhattan (1979)

It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney

It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, I'm No Angel (1933)

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who will catch you.
- Anonymous

Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong

Funny Life Quotes and Sayings

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- The Godfather, Part II (1974)

Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and it is far the best ending for one.
- Oscar Wilde

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama

Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
- Woody Allen - Annie Hall (1977)

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- Carl Sandburg

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is the flower for which love is the honey.
- Victor Hugo

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford

Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired
. - Robert Frost

Love is being stupid together.
- Paul Valery

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense.
- Mark Overby

Love is not a matter of counting the years, but making the years count.
- Michele St. Amand

Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.
- Mae West

Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings

Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair and devastating, it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

Funny Life Sayings

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't seem to crack.
Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Morality is the theory that every human act must be either right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

Most of what we call management consists of
making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh, depending on the breaks.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

My life is difficult. I need more money.
- The Expendables (2010)

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
- Isaac Asimov

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- The Great Mouse Detective (1986)

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.
- Love and Death (1975)

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- Shrek (2001)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- Love and Death (1975)

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
- Clifton Fadiman

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Funny Quotes and Sayings about Life

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- Oscar Wilde

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Pie, pie, pie.
- Michael (1996)

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde

She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)

She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors think she may be faking.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- Megamind (2010)

Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams (John Keating - Dead Poets Society - 1989)

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- Shrek 2 (2004)

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill

The best time to make friends is before you need them.
- Ethel Barrymore

The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde

The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
- Arabic Proverb and Chinese Proverb.

The food at this place is really terrible ... and such small portions.
- Woody Allen - Annie Hall (1977)

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- Love and Death (1975)

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

The only true love is love at first sight; second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

The road to success is always under construction.
- Lily Tomlin

The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- The Little Mermaid (1989)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe -- women!
- Back to the Future II (1989)

The world's mental.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

There is no remedy for love but to love more.
- Henry David Thoreau

There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- Airplane! (1980)

There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be afraid.
- Anything Else (2003)

This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)

This town needs an enema.
- Batman (1989)

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense respected.
- Charles Lamb

To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson

To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love. But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy, then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy, one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope you're getting this down.
- Love and Death (1975)

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
- Woody Allen - Stardust Memories (1980)

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous

Too clever is dumb.
- Ogden Nash

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights. If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie

We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
- Simon Birch (1998)

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

What we got here is... failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke (1967)

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of course, you spoke.
- As Good As It Gets (1997)

When life gives you lemons, Make Lemonade.
- Anonymous saying

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous

Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

Where did you park the invisible car?
- Megamind (2010)

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.
- Stardust Memories (1980)

You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's assault, not leadership.
- Dwight Eisenhower

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)

You have to learn to push the guilt under the rug and move on, otherwise it overwhelms you.
- Woody Allen (Chris Wilton - Match Point - 2005)

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk.
- Shrek (2001)

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- She Done Him Wrong (1933)

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- Shrek (2001)

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
- Stardust Memories (1980)

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.
- Interiors (1978)


Thank you for visiting these Funny Quotes and Sayings.

Please sign-up for my Free Inspirational Daily Quotes and Insights Email on the form below.

 



Join over 80,000 subscribers

Sign-up to receive Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes
free via email

Daily inspirational quotes and motivational messages of self-worth, choice,
positive attitude, happiness, forgiveness, and gratitude.
Inspiring motivational sayings plus Jonathan's insights into life,
relationships, and joyful living.

Enter Your E-Mail Address:
Enter Your Name (what you want to be called):
Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.

Or Subscribe to the Feedburner feed for Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes.

Today is Your Day to Dance Lightly with Life.  It Really Is.
      - Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


You may read about our disclaimer, our privacy policy, terms of use, participation in affiliate programs, and copyright policy.

All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.