Facebook share Tweet This Email this
Let these Humorous Quotes give you a new outlook on life. Enjoy this profound mix of the inspirational and the funny.
Please sign-up on the form below to receive my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.
Thank you for joining me on this journey we call life,
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most
of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
-
Mark Twain
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
-
Napoleon Bonaparte
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt.
-
Mark Twain
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
-
Mark Twain
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
-
Mark Twain
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest joke in the world.
-
George Bernard Shaw
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
-
George Eliot
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove
that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around
for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and
missionaries.
- Will Rogers
A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
A friend is one who has the same enemies as you have.
- Abraham Lincoln
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next to you saying "boy was that
fun."
- The Maugles
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend - and he's
a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest
burglar.
- H. L. Mencken
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a
chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill
A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from
yet.
- Anonymous
A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is
finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
A man's friendships are, like his will, invalidated by
marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know? It has
to constantly move forward or it dies. And I think what we got on our hands is
a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)
A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
A true friend is someone who thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth
of love.
- Henri B. Stendhal
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to
smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
A witty saying proves nothing.
- Voltaire
A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably
wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't
. -Erica Jong
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her, and after half
an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- Take the Money and Run (1969)
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance, but
with somebody else.
- Mae West
All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein
An excellent man; he has no enemies; and none of his friends
like him.
- Oscar Wilde
An old friend will help you move. A good friend will help
you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes
And you just gotta remember, Sparky - no matter what they
tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- Michael (1996)
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful standing here than
you do in person.
- Love and Death (1975)
Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools
do.
- Benjamin Franklin
Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything
new.
- Albert Einstein
Apology is only egotism wrong side out.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
At twenty years of age the will reigns; at thirty, the wit;
and at forty, the judgment.
- Benjamin Franklin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be
said.
- Mel Brooks
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- Spaceballs (1987)
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
misprint.
- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one
watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're
paying for.
- Will Rogers
Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schultz' Peanuts cartoon
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say,
abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot
Business, you know, may bring money, but friendship hardly
ever does.
- Jane Austen
By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism
keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
- Oscar Wilde
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash
Choose your friends carefully. Your enemies will choose you.
- Yasser Arafat
Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child could understand this
report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of
it.
- Duck Soup (1933)
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no
influence on society.
- Mark Twain
Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken
Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends
are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got
there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on
your head, muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- Spy Hard (1996)
Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something
you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it. You've got
everything except one thing: madness!
- Zorba the Greek (1964)
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the
people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until
you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform
schools are for.
- Mae West
Do not speak to me of rules. This is war! This is not a game
of cricket!
- The Bridge on the River Kwai (1957)
Do not use a hatchet to remove a fly from your friend's
forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish
the rest.
- Mark Twain
Do you love me because I am beautiful, or am I beautiful
because you love me?
- Oscar Hammerstein II (Cinderella)
Don't expect me to get excited over another damn thing we
need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
DON'T get officious. You're not yourself when you're
officious - That is the curse of a government job.
- Harold and Maude (1971)
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the
world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain
Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain
Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools
are for.
- Mae West
Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- Withnail & I (1987)
Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
Don't worry about that chair with a hole in the middle. It's
merely waiting to be reupholstered.
- Casino Royale (1966)
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent. What you lack,
is the capacity.
- Shrek 2 (2004)
EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (1971)
Everyone should have at least two friends - one to talk to
and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde
Faith may be defined briefly as an illogical belief in the
occurrence of the improbable.
- H. L. Mencken
Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain
Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks! It's going
be a bumpy ride!
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too. My dog has
it. It's very common with living creatures.
- Anything Else (2003)
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a
good example.
- Mark Twain
For centuries, theologians have been explaining the
unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous
Frankly, I'm too scared to ask about the frog.
- Tangled (2010)
Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
- Anonymous
Friends are like bras:
close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous
Friends are the siblings God never gave us.
- Mencius
Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to
another,
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C. S. Lewis
Friendship is like money, easier made than kept.
- Samuel Butler
Friendship is Love without his wings.
- Lord Byron
From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay
Gentlemen, you can't fight in here! This is the War Room.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)
Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot
water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know
because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain
Go ahead, make my day.
- Sudden Impact (1983)
God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain
Good friends are like stars… you don't always see them, but
you know they are always there.
- Anonymous
Good friends, good books and a sleepy conscience: this is
the ideal life.
- Mark Twain
Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell
Greetings, cosmic children of the universe. Welcome to my
serenity circle. Please leave all bad vibes outside the healing vortex.
- Shrek the Third (2007)
Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin
Half a truth is often a great lie.
- Benjamin Franklin
Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of
people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit
family in another city.
- George Burns
Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.
- Ogden Nash
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde
Heaven must be an awfully dull place if your best friends
end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
Hey, don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone I love.
- Annie Hall (1977)
Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married to someone who's
recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte
Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain
Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.
- Clue (1985)
I always like to know everything about my new friends, and
nothing about my old ones.
- Oscar Wilde
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural,
wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
I can't stand a naked light bulb.
- A Streetcar Named Desire (1951)
I choose my friends for their good looks, my acquaintances
for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects. A man cannot be too careful in the choice
of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
I didn't make it all the way through third grade for
nothing.
- The Rescuers Down Under (1990)
I don't advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the
employment of the government. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from
the cosmos, and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason
bald-headed men are uptight.
- Withnail & I (1987)
I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a
change of underwear.
- Woody Allen
I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted! And
could someone please bring me something deep fat fried and smothered in
chocolate.
- Shrek 2 (2004)
I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell - you
see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural
advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- Annie Hall (1977)
I feel the need to express something, but I don't know what
it is I want to express.
- Interiors (1978)
I got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head
with it.
- Duck Soup (1933)
I got a perfect build for clothes. I'm a twenty-eight dwarf.
- Love and Death (1975)
I have a very low threshold of death. My doctor says I can't
have bullets enter my body at any time.
- Casino Royale (1966)
I have a very pessimistic view of life. You should know this
about me if we're gonna go out. You know, I - I feel that life is - is divided
up into the horrible and the miserable. Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um, I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's
amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else. That's - that's -
so - so - when you go through life - you should be thankful that you're
miserable because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- Annie Hall (1977)
I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)
I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- Love and Death (1975)
I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who
pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.
- Nicolas De Chamfort
I intend to live forever, or die trying.
- Groucho Marx
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow
man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
I love being married. It's great to find that one special
person who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
I love my attitude problem.
- Anonymous
I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy
a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a
really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
I read that you should never go out with someone if you can
think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid. I think you go
around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)
I truly believe that happiness is possible... even when
you're thirty-three and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient
culture, and kill them.
- Full Metal Jacket (1987)
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I was so jazzed about sobering up and starting a new life; I
had to stop at a bar to get a drink just to calm down.
- Glee (2009 TV Series)
I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year for cheating on
my metaphysics final ... I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to
me.
- Annie Hall (1977)
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- The Cabin in the Cotton (1932)
I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream. I'll be out in a
minute.
- What's New Pussycat (1965)
I'm not talking about lust. A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
I've always believed that if done properly, armed robbery
doesn't have to be an unpleasant experience.
- Thelma & Louise (1991)
I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously
overlooked something.
- Anonymous
If he's first class, I'm traveling steerage.
- Libeled Lady (1936)
If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I
might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin
If it turns out that there IS a God, I don't think that he's
evil. I think that the worst you can say about him is that basically he's an
underachiever.
- Love and Death (1975)
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous
If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the
question.
- Lily Tomlin
If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or
they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
- Oscar Wilde
In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.
- Charles M. Schulz
INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
- Anonymous
Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand
that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
- W. C. Fields
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure It is a great confidence in a friend to tell him
your faults; greater to tell him his.
- Benjamin Franklin
It is a truth universally acknowledged that when one part of
your life starts going okay, another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
It is better to be thought a fool, than to open one's mouth
and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain
It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one
already knows.
- Epictetus
It is one of the blessings of old friends that you can
afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle
stick!
- Shrek 2 (2004)
It takes a long time to grow an old friend.
- John Leonard
It's cookies, he smells like cookies, and the smell gets
stronger when he's in heat.
- Michael (1996)
It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- Manhattan (1979)
It's kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney
It's not the men in your life that counts, it's the life in
your men.
- Mae West, I'm No Angel (1933)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
It's so easy to fall in love but hard to find someone who
will catch you.
- Anonymous
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut
afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- The Godfather, Part II (1974)
Laughter is not at all a bad beginning for a friendship, and
it is far the best ending for one.
- Oscar Wilde
Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama
Legend: A lie that has attained the dignity of age.
- H. L. Mencken
Life ... full of loneliness, and misery, and suffering, and
unhappiness, and it's all over much too quickly.
- Woody Allen - Annie Hall (1977)
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of
dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken
Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third
act.
- Truman Capote
Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer
Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time,
and sometimes you weep.
- Carl Sandburg
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most
of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is the flower for which love is the honey.
- Victor Hugo
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
Life is uncertain; always eat dessert first.
- Anonymous
Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at
the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down, but in the end
the house always wins. Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford
Love is a game that two can play and both win.
- Eva Gabor
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
Love is an endless mystery, for it has nothing else to
explain it.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired
. - Robert Frost
Love is being stupid together.
- Paul Valery
Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the
brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but
willing to draw blood in its defense.
- Mark Overby
Love is not a matter of counting the years, but making the
years count.
- Michele St. Amand
Love is only a dirty trick played on us to achieve
continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.
- Mae West
Love looks through a telescope; envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Love thy neighbor - and if he happens to be tall, debonair
and devastating, it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to
live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain
Men always want to be a woman's first love - women like to
be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Men kick friendship around like a football, but it doesn't
seem to crack.
Women treat it like glass and it goes to pieces.
- Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are
open.
- James Dewar
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find
out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom
we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Morality is the theory that every human act must be either
right or wrong, and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken
Most of what we call management consists of
making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair
mussed. But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops. Uh,
depending on the breaks.
- Dr. Strangelove (1964)
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife
you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I
didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
My life is difficult. I need more money.
- The Expendables (2010)
My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
My way of joking is telling the truth; that is the funniest
joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be
done.
- Amelia Earhart
Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing
what's right.
- Isaac Asimov
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after
tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
Nine-tenths of the people were created so you would want to
be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole
No man is truly married until he understands every word his
wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have, and I
think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- The Great Mouse Detective (1986)
Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Nothing more cheerful than talking about our friends'
shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like
unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower
your wand.
- Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Oh no, I can't do anything to the death. Doctor's orders.
You see, I have this ulcer condition, and death is the worst thing for it.
- Love and Death (1975)
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- Shrek (2001)
Oh, if only God would give me some sign. If He would just
speak to me once. Anything. One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- Love and Death (1975)
Oh, Shrek. Don't worry. Things just seem bad because it's
dark and rainy and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- Shrek 2 (2004)
Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One measure of friendship consists not in the number of
things friends can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer
mention.
- Clifton Fadiman
One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should
never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
One's first love is always perfect until one meets one's
second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a
dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- Oscar Wilde
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance
to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov
Pie, pie, pie.
- Michael (1996)
Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may
be happy.
- H. L. Mencken
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it seems like
an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour and it seems like a minute. That's
relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day - and another, in case it
doesn't rain.
- Mae West
Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is
asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde
She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to
her for.
- Never Give a Sucker an Even Break (1941)
She's been diagnosed as a paranoid hypochondriac. Doctors
think she may be faking.
- Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid (1982)
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they
go.
- Oscar Wilde
Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly
good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Still, things could be a lot worse. Oh, that's right... I'm
falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- Megamind (2010)
Stupid is as stupid does.
- Forrest Gump (1994)
Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the
bone.
- Robin Williams (John Keating - Dead Poets Society - 1989)
Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of
Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain
Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you, unless of
course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- Shrek 2 (2004)
The best argument against democracy is a five-minute
conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill
The best time to make friends is before you need them.
- Ethel Barrymore
The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself
without one.
- Oscar Wilde
The enemy of my enemy is my friend.
- Arabic Proverb and Chinese Proverb.
The food at this place is really terrible ... and such small
portions.
- Woody Allen - Annie Hall (1977)
The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll
do the dishes."
- Anonymous
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet and steady and
loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime, if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
The key is, to not think of death as an end, but as more of
a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- Love and Death (1975)
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain
The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous
The most difficult phase of life is not when no one
understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde
The only true love is love at first sight; second sight
dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
The road to success is always under construction.
- Lily Tomlin
The seaweed is always greener in somebody else's lake.
- The Little Mermaid (1989)
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
The time-traveling is just too dangerous. Better that I
devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe -- women!
- Back to the Future II (1989)
The world's mental.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)
The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is
happy for you.
- Bette Midler
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
There is no remedy for love but to love more.
- Henry David Thoreau
There's a couple of things they don't teach you in Harvard
Business School, one is how to cope with defeat, the other is how to handle a
shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
There's no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you'll
enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows
how to fly a plane?
- Airplane! (1980)
There's nothing wrong with being afraid. We were meant to be
afraid.
- Anything Else (2003)
This is an occasion for genuinely tiny knickers.
- Bridget Jones Diary (2001)
This town needs an enema.
- Batman (1989)
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have
her nonsense respected.
- Charles Lamb
To fall in love is awfully simple, but to fall out of love
is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson
To love is to suffer. To avoid suffering one must not love.
But then one suffers from not loving. Therefore, to love is to suffer; not to
love is to suffer; to suffer is to suffer. To be happy is to love. To be happy,
then, is to suffer, but suffering makes one unhappy. Therefore, to be unhappy,
one must love or love to suffer or suffer from too much happiness. I hope
you're getting this down.
- Love and Death (1975)
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from
many is research.
- Anonymous
To you, I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition.
- Woody Allen - Stardust Memories (1980)
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous
Too clever is dumb.
- Ogden Nash
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall
into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
True love comes quietly, without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein
We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the
stars.
- Oscar Wilde
We come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by
learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie
We have a great life here in Alaska, and we're never going
back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the
sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful
and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken
What does coffee and donuts have to do with God?
- Simon Birch (1998)
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)
What we got here is... failure to communicate.
- Cool Hand Luke (1967)
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first
name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome. Then, of
course, you spoke.
- As Good As It Gets (1997)
When life gives you lemons, Make Lemonade.
- Anonymous saying
When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and
life stands explained.
- Mark Twain
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your
brain.
- Mark Twain
When your friends begin to flatter you on how young you
look, it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want
my children to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the
lock.
- Anonymous
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority, it is
time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain
Where did you park the invisible car?
- Megamind (2010)
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and
then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Wit is the lowest form of humor.
- Alexander Pope
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
You can always count on Americans to do the right thing -
after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill
You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him
think.
- Milton Berle
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly.
Only-only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an
absolute expert.
- Stardust Memories (1980)
You do not lead by hitting people over the head - that's
assault, not leadership.
- Dwight Eisenhower
You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for
something, sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
You have no values. With you its all nihilism, cynicism,
sarcasm, and orgasm.
- Deconstructing Harry (1997)
You have to learn to push the guilt under the rug and move
on, otherwise it overwhelms you.
- Woody Allen (Chris Wilton - Match Point - 2005)
You know what? Maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't
talk.
- Shrek (2001)
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- She Done Him Wrong (1933)
You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly, but I
bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- Shrek (2001)
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
You want to do mankind a real service? Tell funnier jokes.
- Stardust Memories (1980)
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things
that make you want to.
- Interiors (1978)
Thank you for visiting these Funny Quotes and Sayings.
Please sign-up for my Free Inspirational Daily Quotes and Insights Email on the form below.
-------
You may read about our disclaimer, our privacy policy, terms of use, participation in affiliate programs, and copyright policy.
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.